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| so if you don't know already i have finally received my first ipod. it's a small red nano. apple practically paid me to take it from them. (in fact i will be receiving my $150 rebate in the next few weeks. scholarship for computer getting a prewritten check getting a different model then requested throwing in a nano (and a hideous black case for it to exceed the amount of the check) = me paying $4.23 for a macbook and ipod which also = $150 rebate for the nano which makes my total profits = $154.23 ( macbook nano). and all i had to do is write an essay. perfect.
(this has nothing to do what my original intent for this blog was for. BTW)
anyways. my most favorite thing to do is to walk to work/school/study sessions (whatevs) and listen to my ipod playing my favorite "mix tape" selection and pretend that it's my theme of the day. most of the time i play my favorite mix ever (which includes but not limited to bob dylan (he's a dreamboat with a guitar) elvis costello, johnny cash and paul simon. it's "vintage" right?) this day, however, i played sleeping at last. the song 'needle and thread' (keep no score) is seriously one of my favorite songs to date (behind bobby d's 'rainy day women", naturally.) (ok back on track i promise) --i was waiting to cross monroe when the lyrics " ....strip away all of the technology and you will see that we all are hunters, hunting for something that will make us okay..." sang and danced on my eardrums. now i have listened to this song maybe 200,000 times before (i mean give or take a few. i mean i never exaggerate. ever.) and never had the lyrics shook me as much as they did this day. the song goes on from there to the glorious statement of "we are made of love, and all the beauty stemming from it. we are made of love and every fracture caused by lack of love".... (jvh are you impressed that i actually took the time to LOOK up the correct lyrics? i mean it's true, i never know them exactly).
so. here i am on the sidewalk standing and staring while my mind going a thousand thoughts per minute. (it took me an entire light change and a very rude bus to take me back to reality) i cross the street and take out my memo pad (it's the new thing, i highly suggest it. it's pocket size!) and just start writing down random shits. i reflected back to my own thoughts/actions/opinions in the past few weeks/months/years, and how my attitude/actions towards others has not depicted the accepting nature that i thought i had always showered onto others. (i mean yes, i do honestly love and accepted other-despite their actions....oh god i hope so..) i mean i haven't the slightest idea how to change people, and who am i to try and do so? but still, it's like i keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case i should ever figure it out (how embarrassing. how utterly embarrassing.) is it human nature to stop taking life for granted only in the times when it is being threatened (or when a friendship is on the rocks)? I'm convinced that it is, but nevertheless, I am one who learns from her grown assed mistakes, so i tend to make the most of these experiences (new leaf. no dwelling no. oh no sir). I'm walking down the sidewalk of self-discovery (classy line huh?). It is a twisting, bending path down a busy street.
sometimes reading the bible and reading about jesus just makes me so depressed. how can i ever be like that? i mean the man was freaking awesome. but the more i think about it, it's something that i should be putting in my back pocket and saving for a day when i feel the most vulnerable and unforgiving. i was listening to a sermon online later that day and the main point that rob brought home was this. "the message of the Gospel is not heavy, but hopeful". (right on preacher man. thanks for the clarity). take hope. hope hope hope.
ok i'm going to try this out for size.
(damn this post is long. i dare you to read and finish)
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| i've finally figured it all out.
i've finally figured me out.
(i think?)
the people that i have loved in my life have never been easy to love. i'm not used to normal. im used to disaster. (beautiful disaster: kelly clarkson anyone?)
i'm accustomed to working for love.
i think that part of me believes that love is more valuable when you have to work for it (lamesville yes, but its hard to change the inner most working of one's heart. it's been conditioned from the beginning...).
it's like taking a clunker of a car and really fixing it up so it's a "restored classic"------as opposed to just running out to the nearest car dealership and buying a new honda hybrid (or some other beautiful creation of a car).
what i really want to do is sit next to someone under a homemade blanket on the beach (or in a living room, that suffices too) (fall is an excellent time of year for this fantasy as well) and drink coffee from huge mugs while listening to beautifully mixed tapes and talking about things that really matter rather than ourselves.
i don't want/nor need some rusty old 73 ford pinto with a factory-defective gas tank that cases it to explode when its rearended in a supermark parking lot by a 16 year old who doesn't know the gas pedal from the brake (it's bullshit).
so why do i keep looking for pintos?
(are hybrids just "too easy"?)
i've been worrying about my legacy since i was six years old.....
it's time to give it up--
i'm tired of all the worrying
the networking....
the wounded pride.
it's time to walk away,
travel to unseen corners,
live in the country
and say FUUUUCCCKKK ITTTTT.
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| i have always felt like loving is my duty here on earth.
i finally am able to do it whole heartily.
sometimes loving means you have to give people up.
so many lessons this heart has learned.
at least it doesn't hurt anymore.
disappointment is worse than hurt. whatevs. i leave in three weeks.
mountains here i comeskis. | | |
| it's hard to love people sometimes.
espesh when you find out they they make unbelievable decisions and constantly destroy others for the benefit of themselves.
it's a humbling experience...
this love thing.
to me anyways.
can i love like jesus?
can i have a heart (even if it is just a minuscule amount) like jesus?
(lord) HE knows i'm trying. i feel free.
i feel like me.
and it's great.
i just want to be happy.
and i am for the most part. loveskis. | | |
| the world was left unfinished.
it is up to us to finish it...
finish the story.
what we do determines the world we create.
LOVE.
HOPE.
PEACE? (question question question?)
FORGIVENESS.
GOODNESS.
PURITY.
SELFLESSNESS
LOVE.
LOVE.
LOVE.
get the pattern here?
we're all walking around with sea legs.
there's so much to enjoy,
and yet -- we fixate on something we don't have
we have the right to do anything----but b/c we can doesn't mean we should.
love is risky.
inclusion, not exclusion
connection not solidarity
touch rather than distance
compassion rather than control
weeping and broken, not proud and triumphant
my brain and heart are battling my flesh.
....i have something to share.
my heart.
and i refuse to be closed.
i refuse to shut others out.
i want to love.
i want to love on people.
to connect.
agape.
agape.
agape loveski.
(i'm on to something here?)
"people are worth dying for"
yes.
true.
that's my heart at this juncture.
kbye.
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